Cake Fix

Don't let a broken cake be the end of your party fun! When I was inverting Dakota's birthday cake half of the bottom portion ripped off with the pan. With a little creativity it became the blue water and everyone thought I had tore the cake on purpose!

Streaker

I am on my first week recovering from an emergency hysterectomy. I was having some problems and went in for a post-op check up. After waiting an hour I finally got put in a room. For a very long time. You see, all of the rooms on my Doctors side were being used or were dirty, so they put me on the right side of the hallway, which he did not know, and forgot me there.
So there I lay, naked on the table with my little paper sheet over me. For an hour. And every time I look at the door all I see is this little sign that says, "If you have been waiting for more than 15 minutes please notify the nurse."

Honestly.

Me: "Shelby! Stop sniffing and snorting like that! You are going to make all of those boogers go up into your brain! Now, get a kleenex and we'll blow your nose."

Shelby: "No it doesn't Mamma, it makes it go down my froat."

:)

Tired Teen

My oldest daughter is going to be fourteen in December, she is having a hard time processing all that needs to get done in life, and the ranking of what is most important. Last night the discussion went like this:

All in one breath: "Oh Mom...this teenager stuff is so hard, I don't ever want to be this age again. I know I need to put Christ first in my life, after all he is the most important, but when I am reading my bible and my "Left Behind" series I get behind on other things. When I focus on Jesus I forget to take the time to wash my face, and then I go to bed and wake up and forget again because I am thinking of the school work I need to do. And when I am focusing on my school work and getting good grades I forget about my face again and it breaks out, and then I realize I forgot about God again, so then I get out my bible, but then my school work falls behind and my grades start to go down, and I still haven't washed my face yet!!!!"

Aahhhhh my sweets, go. to. bed.
:)

Flirt

We recently went to a marriage retreat, and I have been trying to think of fun new ways to show my husband that I love him. It's hard to find much time with a busy family of six, but a friend suggested I try e-mail. She said that e-mail flirting is a fun, private way to connect with your Hubby throughout the day. So I thought I would give it a try. My husband is not a techi, but he does have a laptop on the construction job site. So I typed him a quickie:

I wrote: "You are so hot you make me drool."
I later checked my e-mail, and he responded.
He wrote: "are you ok?"

:)

Dear Mom

(Dylan brought me home a 1st grade Halloween Card yesterday here's what it said:)

Dear mom I Hop you Hav a Happy Halloween I Hop you Dot Haft to Duw fare Muth Wrck I Will Bring you sum cKaDe For you MoM From Dylan4.

If you can't read it, it say's:

Dear Mom, I hope you have a Happy Halloween. I hope you don't have to do very much work. I will bring you some candy for you Mom. From, Dylan4

Made me cry:)
Isn't it funny how he signs it Dylan4? They have to do that on their papers at school to let the teacher know what group they are in:)

Digi Chick

So, I followed some friends advice and have been setting up bill pay online with most of our bills. It has gone pretty smoothly, but with one web site I was having some problems. I saw to the side I could click for "Live Support" so I gave it a go.......
Click.
Hi! Welcome to Live Support!
I tell them my problem.
Please wait while I connect you to an Agent, her name is Summer.
I'm thinking this is soooooo cool, I get a real person to talk to.
She comes on and says Hi, My name is Summer, How may I help you?
I tell her my problem.
She says a vague answer.
I tell her my problem in a more specific way.
She says the same vague answer.
Finally I get peeved, and type, "Are you a person?"
She types back, "If you can't tell by now, I am actually an Intellichat Support Bot."

Seriously.
This is no joke.
I am in a fight with Summer, the Digi Bot.

Red or Blue?

Shelby and I get back from the school drop-off at 9am. We park in the driveway, and I usually take a little time outside to pick up things and water flowers. We tend to not get dressed for this short ride, and this morning Shelby was wearing a little pink onesie.
She starts to rub her arms, "Mamma, I cold."
I tell her just a second, we will go in.
"Mamma, I chiwwy." (chilly)
Okay, Shelby, Mamma is almost done.
"Mamma, I turning into a Icee!!"
:)
Time to go in.

Sassy~

I took my Little Diva grocery shopping with me today, big mistake. But we got it done. She begged for something in every isle. When we got to the baking isle she grabbed the bag of the big marshmallows. (Why do they put them down so low?!) I told her to put them back, we had some at home. Back and forth we went, at least 5 times. She finally put them back for the last time, made a HUGE exasperated sound, walked over to me and said, "Mamma you are a pain in the BUTT !" and then proceeded to smack me hard in the tush as she walked past me and then said, "Now come on! Let's go get my balloon." All in one sentence, all in one swift move.
You should have seen the face of the other Mom further down the isle.

Brotherly Knowledge

When Jerry and I got home this weekend the boys were talking together about where it was that Mommy and Daddy went. They sounded really serious, and then Dylan asked me a question. "Mom, what was that thing called again? Where you went?" so I told him it was a Marriage Retreat. I then heard Dakota ask Dylan what a Marriage Retreat was, and Dylan says "That's where Mommy and Daddy go so Daddy can learn to be more like Mommy." Oof. Not good. Where do they come up with these things?!

Payin' Bills OCD style

Look at bill.
Find checkbook.
Decide how much to pay.
Open checkbook.
Write money amount in bills little box.
Write money amount in checks little box.
Go look at kitchen calender to figure out the date.
Go back to desk.
What was the date?
Go back to kitchen.
Go back to desk.
Write down the date on the check.
Check bill to see who it is to.
Write on check who it is to.
Write out the money amount on the check in words.
One Hundred Eleven and 20 over 100.
Recheck that that sounds right.
One Hundred Eleven and 20 over 100.
Pretty sure that sounds right.
Compare the number amount in the little box to the written amount on the line.
Compare it again.
Compare it to the amount due on the bill.
Sign the bottom of the check.
Re-Check the date and the date due.
Find a stamp.
Find a free name label from St.Judes.
Find an envelope.
Stick the stamp and name label on the front of the envelope.
Check the bill for the address.
Estimate the size and length of the address on the envelope.
Write the address on the envelope.
Compare the address on the envelope with the bill.
Insert bill and check into envelope.
Check that I didn't forget the check.
Lick the envelope shut.
Seal it and push it down hard.
Don't want that check to fall out.
Hhmmm did I sign the check?
Hhmmmm did I say 2009 or 2008?
Hhmmm did I write who it was too?
Maybe I should open it and check.
But it is sealed.
Hhmmmm maybe I should just check and use a new envelope.
But what if I can't get the stamp off.
Maybe it is worth the cost of another stamp.
Hhmmmm
Rip it open and start over again.
Now who do I address the envelope to?
Check the bill.

My Girl

My youngest girl is named Shelby Lynn. She is two years old and quite the whipper snapper. She does not miss anything, and she retains all knowledge that flows through that little head of hers. She's somethin' else. I can hold a better conversation with her then some of my friends.
Right now she is totally into the "Princesses" Snow White, Belle, Cinderella, and Ariel the Mermaid are our daily friends. I do not know where she got this from, all of our other 3 children do not even like Disney characters. Shelby is the first, and all by her own doing.
She has a new book that has one page for each princess and her "story." We were reading in her chair before nap time and got to the page about Cinderella. We had to decide what dress Cinderella should wear. I named off the colors, there was a dress in orange, green, light blue, yellow, and red hanging in her closet. Shelby looked at the page, pointed to the bottom of the closet, and said, "Well, there is only one pair of shoes, and they are blue, so she must wear the blue dress."
She's her Mamma's daughter.

Listen to your Heart

Such a cliche' I know. Pretty much the same thing as saying follow your dreams, listen to your inner voice, follow your heart not your mind.....On and on we could go. But I have been doing just that lately, listening to that other voice. Twice now it has lead to outcomes that I never would have known, had I not obeyed. Here is one of the instances:

Voice in my head: "Take some cookies to the church office."
Me: "Okay sure, I chould do that."
Voice: "They are to sell at your garage sale but take some anyway."
Me: (starting to think the opposite) "Maybe we will run out, maybe I shouldn't take them."
Voice: "Get a plate and put a bunch of cookies on it."
Me: "But it's almost 4pm, the office will be empty by the time I get there."
Voice: "Just take one of each kind and put them in the office"
Me: (getting a little irritated) "Okay, I will take the cookies, I don't know why, nobody will be there, but here we go. I am taking them. Fine!"

Drive up to church, the office is empty except for one secretary. Not sure what I am supposed to do with all of these cookies, so I ask her if she would like a cookie. She says no, she prefers salty snacks to sweet snacks. Hhmmmmmm. So now I am still thinking, what do I do with these cookies?! Take them home? Nope. The voice says to leave them on the office counter. Okay. Done. I left the cookies on the counter. Time to go decorate for VBS. I never think of the cookies again, figuring they will go stale and get thrown away.
A few weeks later the secretary who was in the office that evening came up to me and said, "Thanks so much for dropping off those cookies! You wouldn't believe what happened! A mom in need of help had come to the church needing to talk with someone, her children were acting up and she was having a hard time, and then I remembered the cookies! The children ate the cookies and gave the mom just enough quiet time to get done what she needed to do." Amazing.

Um, What'd you Say?

I have had a couple people say some REALLY weird things to me lately. I know I am stuck at home and not out in the "real" world. But seriously, things can't have gone this bad. Tell me what you think....
Lady Number#1: My little son, Dylan, is in the dental chair, he is a tiny 7 year old. Looks more like a four year old. Anywhoo. He has an obstructed airway from a short bottom jaw, so when they lay him back in the dental chair he can't breathe very well. Found this out the hard way. So when he kept looking at me and raising his hand I said to bring him up, he has something wrong. When we got all of the tools out of his mouth he said, "I couldn't breathe!" So the dental hygienist says, "I know just how you feel honey, In my past life I was strangled under water and drowned, it is one thing to be strangled, but to be strangled under water is a whole nother thing." My eyes must have got huge. The male dentist said nothing. I almost hijacked my kid out of that chair and ran out the door. But he needed to finish filling the cavity....
Lady Number#2: So next, I was talking to a woman friend and she asked me what I did over the Fourth of July. I told her about my trip to meet my birth-family and how their lives were such a mess, and how grateful I was to be adopted. Then she says,"Well,you must have saw that that was not the life you wanted to have, so when you were born you chose to be given up to adoption so you wouldn't have to live like that." Ummmmmmm, What?! I could make those choices while in somebodies stomach? And I could see into the future to see how my birth-family was living?......What's a girl to say. Complete stunned silence, I am telling you people....complete silence.
~

CheckList:

My Hubby and eldest child are gone climbing a mountain in Montana. I therefore have no help with the house & 3 younger children. Here is my checklist of what I need to have on hand to make it through this week:

Movie Rentals
Sleeping Bags in Living Room
Frozen Corn Dogs
Pony Tail Holders
Pizza Coupons
Shotgun
Pop and Juice Bags
Hershey Bars
Caffeine Pills
FaceBook.

Cool Joe~

I just could not resist the temptation. What's a mischievous girl like me to do?! We had just stopped in at Wally World to pick up a couple of things on our way home from the cities today. A couple of the "Littles" had fallen asleep, so I opted out of store duty and let the Hubby run in with the eldest child. I was sitting there people watching, I love people watching, when a car pulled up right next to me. Out jumps Cool Joe, that's what we'll call him, a man in his late 40's trying to look 20 something. He starts walking around his car pushing the little button on his key ring. Nothing is happening. He does the whole confused man having a fit act and keeps pushing the button, harder and harder, pointing it all over the car. Obviously it won't lock from the key ring thing. So what does he do? He climbs back in the car fiddles around with something on the dash, and tries again. Over and over he does this. Finally I see him pushing the edge of the button really weird with his finger nail, almost on the edge of the button, and it works. He looks smugly satisfied and turns to walk into Wally World. I just couldn't believe what I had seen. At least ten minutes of this people! I kid you not. Wanna know the hoot!? All of his windows were rolled all of the way down. Now way? Yes way. Every single one. He was so mentally challenged that he probably could have just reached in from the outside of each door and locked up the car. I had to ask myself, why lock up a car when all four windows are down? This guy was short some cookies. I could not resist it, I was only a foot from his car. Wait till he is in the store, sneak over and manually unlock all of the doors....sit back and watch the show:)

Final Thoughts~

Well, my adoption journey is done. I am now going to resume my regular blogging, thanks for hanging in there with me while I wrote this story out. I tend to forget things over time, so I wanted to have the whole story down in case my children ever ask me the story, or want to know it when I am gone.

There is an ending to this story. An ending that I have not shared yet. This will be that final post. I was always feeling like I was missing something. Always looking for something. Always trying to find something to fill that hole in my heart. For a while I thought it was our four lost babies. I felt that maybe if I had them they would be the link to what I was missing. But after finishing coming to terms with their loss, I found they were not what I was looking for. So then I figured that it must be my birth-mom. She must be that missing feeling in my heart, my lack of joy, and phases of depression. But now after finding her and meeting her in person, I learned that she was not what I was looking for. During our trip to Seattle I was once again faced with the reality of all of the things that I have been saved from. I would be a much different person than I am now. I probably would have multiple children from multiple fathers, a cold, hard heart, and no church to call my home. Religious people would probably seem strange to me, and I would never have met everyone I know now in our church and love so much. I would never have met my husband and we wouldn't have our four precious angel babies. I was saved. Saved from it all. Why God saved me? Because he loves me. And he loves you. He loves me so much that he saved me from that pit of darkness. He brought me up out of that bad situation and gave me a new chance at life. A life in which I can serve him, love him freely, and raise my children to worship him. It has been a long road. I was quite a stubborn case, but in the end Jesus won the battle. He has my heart, hook, line, and sinker. I am not lost anymore, I have found my home. God is my father in heaven, he will never leave me, and all of the holes in my heart have been filled. I wake up with a new sense of peace and joy like never before. I want to serve God and His church as much as I can, thanking him all the while for giving me the gifts and talents I can use for his glory. You can find him too, all you have to do is give in. Tell satan where to get off, release those habitual sins, cry out to Jesus to save you, and you too will experience what it feels like to have Jesus in your heart.
~

The End of my Journey~

I am now going to share the details of the trip to meet my birth-mother, I am not sure how best to share, but I think this format might work. I am just going to write two sections, the good section, and the not so good section. I waited quite some time to write this because I was in "reaction" mode and I have learned that is no time to be writing or sharing anything. I took a couple weeks to get some perspective, talk with some friends, and get back into the swing of reality after a trip like that. I do not want to bore you by writing every detail, you know, like- we got off the plane....we got our luggage....we found the car rental place.....Just the nuts and bolts are what you are going to get, if you need more than that please feel free to ask:)

The Good: First off, the best part of the trip was that my husband came with, that we had our own vehicle, and a hotel that became quite necessary. The second best thing was meeting my sister Amber, she was awesome. I already love her so much. I wish she could move here, but her kids are from all different fathers in Montana and they all have visitation rights. Amber and I got along like crackers and cheese, we finished each others sentences, said the same things, and grew quickly attached to each other. I miss her terribly, we were together the whole 5 days. She made the whole trip worthwhile. Her four children were also a good part of the trip, they bonded with me the first day, and I felt like spoiling them rotten. They also helped me not miss my kids as much. I do have a problem with going into "save the world" mode though, and Jerry had to reel me back in a few times. I just can't handle seeing children who need things. It is a reason that I will pull out my credit card, if you know what I mean. We got to go see Puget Sound, the Ocean, and the Seattle Pike's Market, all of which were awesome. We agreed that it would make a great 4 day vacation to go on again as an Anniversary someday when we have money. All in all that was the good stuff: Jerry, Amber, the kids, and the sight-seeing.

The not so Good:
I was very nervous going into this trip, and I think it would have been better if I had gone to meet my birth-mother when I first found her 11 years ago. It shouldn't have gotten this drawn out. Anyway, on with the badish stuff. We got there on Wed. and my birth-mother and other sister Amy were supposed to get in on Thur. at 8pm. We waited, thinking that was only 10pm our time, but got very tired by the time they showed up at 10:30 pm. We had thought of leaving and meeting them in the morning, but I thought that would be rude, so we stayed till they got there. I heard them pull up to the house and Amber went out to greet them, I stayed in the house, seriously about to get sick. They walked into the Living Room, and Julie (birth-mom) walked over to me and said,"Well hi there, give me a hug." So I stood up and gave her a hug, and that was it. She turned and walked away, talked with Amy, Amber, and Amber's husband, and roamed around the house. My new half sister Amy did not say a word to me, not even Hi, and obviously did not come over and give me a hug or stay in the same room as me. Through out the days though, I got to see better why that was. Amy is a very hurting person, she is covered in tattoo's, wears thick, big choker necklaces, all black clothing, and swears like a trucker. She is filled with hurt and hate. I had much sympathy for her and did my best to smile at her and tried to make small talk whenever I could. I did ride with her to the ocean, for 3 hours, and she never said a word to me, and I literally prayed to God for my life to be spared because she weaved in and out of traffic way over the speed limit and almost got us killed a couple times. Jerry drove the husband and kids vehicle so I could ride with the girls and talk, but when we got to the ocean I assured him that I WOULD be riding back with him no matter what anybody thought. My life was more important than that. My birth-mother never said a word to me the rest of the trip, after that first hug, she would just turn and walk away. She always sat on the other side of Amy, and always kept somebody in between us. She asked me no questions about my life, or how I grew up. When it was time to leave on Sunday she came over and gave me a hug, and that was it. Although she did turn and walk away fast, so I think she was about to cry. As we walked away from the house to the parking area I was going to lose it, but Jerry reached over and grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze, that kind of squeeze that says, "Wow that was a hard four days, let's get out of here." He shared that Julie would not even talk to him, even when he tried, it was just all so strange. The other bad things were that they had nothing, and the kids did not have proper care. Which killed me. They had no towels, no soap, no toothpaste, or toothbrushes. I tried my best to teach them to wash after going the bathroom, and to wash before meals, but they just couldn't understand why. They had dirty, little brown rotten teeth and some with big silver caps, so at least I know they saw a dentist sometime. I kept getting groceries and trying to cook for them, but it was becoming futile, and I was going broke. I brought in a container of strawberries and the 8 year old boy ate the whole thing himself, he was that starved for fruit. I just let him have at it. They had NO toys. I mean none. They just ran around outside in the fence, or sat in the house. They lived in a slummy military base area, with scary looking people outside. Kids of all colors walked around their fence yelling swear words and exposing themselves to the kids. It was just too much. For the drive to the ocean I knew the kids would drive Jerry crazy with no toys or activities, so we ran to Target on the way to their house that morning. I filled up four flat Rubbermaid's with activity books, stickers, markers, paper, crayons, snacks, silly putty, and other small toys. When I gave the kids their boxes they were amazed, I don't even think they knew stuff like that existed. The 5 year old boy pulled out his "Cars" movie stickers and said, "What are these?" I said, "Stickers" and he looked up at me with his big blue eyes and said, "What are stickers?" But it worked. Jerry said they were quiet the whole 3 hours except when one of them puked, and another one got a bloody nose. I loved them all so much, and wanted to bring them home with me.

So that is the end of most of my trip, Amber has called a couple times and needs to get out of that neighborhood with the kids. I am trying to find her a car because her husband won't let her go. She needs to move back to Montana and be by her family and friends where she has some support and help.

All in all the trip wasn't so bad, other than my birth-mother not talking to me. But you know what? I felt nothing when I saw her. Absolutely nothing. It was all nerves. I felt nothing when I hugged her. It felt like hugging a stranger. And I felt nothing when she hugged me good-bye. It was nothing like those reunion shows that you see on T.V. And when I got home? It felt so good to see my Mom and Dad.

Adoption Questions Answered~

Before I completely finish my story with the details of my trip I would like to answer any and all questions that any of you might have. I did not realize that so many people have been reading my story, I thought only a couple people were. I have been getting asked alot of questions in person, so I thought I would share a few of them with you on my blog so that we are all on the same page. I also had a few things I wanted to share about my relationship with my birth-mother over the last 11 years, and that will be part of one of the questions.
Question One: Have you talked with your Birth-Grandparents since that day in Iowa? The answer to this is No. I only had the harsh conversation that I shared about with my Grandpa, and the brief sentence with my Grandma as she was leaving. When she was going out the door she asked if it was me on the phone that day asking for Julie's number. I told her it was me, and my reasons for not informing her of that during the phone call. She smiled understandingly, seemed like she wanted to say more, but then just had to follow her husband out the door. I have wanted to call them and speak some more, but honestly, I see no real point in it. Other than to thank them for giving me up, and tell them that they did the right thing, I would like to do that some day.

Question Two:Did you have any contact with your Birth-Mother after that first time on the phone? Yes I did, but very little. I called her twice, and it was very strange. She talked to me on the phone like we had known each other for years, and mainly just talked about work and her family, but she never asked me any questions about my life. I also sent her all of my baby and school photos, one for each year of my life. Every year I also sent her our Christmas card, and the school photos of my kids & any new baby photo's. She never called me during that 11-12 year time span, but she did write me two letters. They had no emotion to them, and were mainly about what she had done that day. It was very strange. I guess I just expected more. When I met my Birth-Father he wanted to know where I grew up, who is in my family, what I like to do, how I felt about the adoption, and lots of personal information type stuff... you know, like how school went for me. I guess I just expected that most people just carry on conversations like that. My Birth-Mother did tell me during our second telephone conversation that she turned down my request for identifying information because she did not want to go against her Dad and make him mad. She knew it would upset him, and she was more worried about that then her wish to connect with me. She also told me that she had named me Tina, which I have shared, but both of these questions were only answered and talked about because I brought them up. Before my trip we had not spoke for at least seven years.

Well those are the main questions I keep getting asked, besides how was the trip, which makes me cry, so I will now answer any and all questions that you may have left about my adoption or anything about adoption, from my viewpoint. So ask away:)I would prefer them on my blog, but if you want to fb, I can just import them back to my blog....Thanks for reading & caring:)

Adoption Story: Part 8

Sorry I had to leave without finishing my story. Time flys when the kids are home for the summer~ So here is the end.
After Julie's parents left our home I was confused and hurt. I decided to leave well enough alone, and moved on. While talking to my birth-mother's sister Cherrie, I had asked her if she knew who my father was, and she did! That was very exciting. I was so glad I had thought to ask that first night I found them. She told me he was from Rhinelander, WI. and he might still live there. So I called information, gave them his name, city, and state. Sure enough! He was still listed in the same town as they all grew up in. It was such an easy search, it almost didn't seem real.
I gave him a call, and said pretty much the same thing. "Hi, I am adopted, and I think you are my birth-father." Silence. Silence. And then he spoke. He was so excited, he could not believe that I had found him. He was married and had three daughters. We caught up on my life, and he sent me plane tickets to come from Iowa to meet him. Mikayla was only around two, so I left her at Grandma's. Thank goodness, because I had a bit of a problem.
Somewhere along the conversation path, nobody mentioned that the plane from Mason City to Rhinelander airport is VERY small. Like, eight people, small. I had to walk out of the airport, across the runway, and up some steps to get on this plane. I did not want to fly in that thing. I swore that was the end of my life. I was going to die. I had never been on a small plane before, and when they put me in the last seat in the back left I thought that was great. Nobody could see how nervous I was. Well, somewhere between Mason City and Rhinelander the nerves took over, I was motion sick from bouncing around, seriously worried that I was going to die, and I am terribly afraid of heights. So I passed out. Right there on the plane. I guess somebody noticed that I looked dead, and they must have laid me in the isle. I was tiny back then so I fit pretty good. When I woke up, I didn't know where I was. All of these people were looking down at me, and the room was spinning. And then I remembered! I am going to meet my birth-father's family! They are all meeting me at the airport! And I am wearing white pants, laying on the dirty, black rubber floor of the plane. I was mortified, I was sweaty, and my perfectly styled spiral permed hair with the big bangs was done for. I tried to get back into my seat and primp, amongst the disapproval of the other passengers. I guess I looked pretty green. I got back in the chair, sat for a couple minutes, and then everything started to turn black again. Rather than falling, I decided to give in and lay back down in the isle for the rest of the flight. By the time we got to Rhinelander I was so puking sick from the turbulence that I could not get up off the floor. The people decided to step over and around me to get off of the plane. I laid there for a good half our trying to get my bearings, and find some kind of make-up help in my purse. I did not want to get off of the plane. I knew they were all waiting for me, and I was quite aware of the fact that I looked like a dope addict.
I finally got my shaky legs up from under me and walked down the isle, somehow making it down the steps to the ground outside. And then I saw how far we were parked form the Airport. I had to make it a good 50 yards. I musta looked like somethin else. I am sure people were thinking that the booze on the plane was all consumed by me.
I made it into the terminal, and there they stood, staring at me. All I could say was, "I got really sick on the flight." He told me it was nerve racking because every time a woman stepped off of the plane and came inside they thought it was me, by the end of the line they figured that I had missed the plane. They had been calling Jerry, and he assured them that I was on it.
Our visit went well, they were normal people. We have kept in touch a couple times a year for the last 12 years. I send them Christmas cards, and the kids school photos, but I still am not able to call him Dad. I told him that it will have to be Steve, because I have a Dad, and that is just not a name that I can call anybody else. It has taken some time, but I think he is finally coming around.
After completing my journey this weekend, I have found that I am alot more like him than my birth-mother, which is not what I expected, but I guess good to know.

Time to Go~

I haven't finished my complete story yet, but it is time to go. Most of it is done though, and I will finish when I get back with the finale.
Thanks for reading, Wish me luck:)

Adoption Story: Part 7

I heard a female voice on the other end of the line and I knew it was her.....But I just had to say something stupid anyway. So there I am, "Uuuhhh Hi, I am adopted and I think you are my Birth-Mother." She knows that it is me and she says "Hi,I knew you would be calling." After talking some she told me that she knew I would find her somehow, must be the family genetics. Julie liked my name, she had named me Tina in the Hospital and now she hated that name. She told me it was the "cool" name back in 1973, so she chose it.
I asked her why she turned down the request for identity forms I filled out. There was a very long story to that answer. But the main ideas were that she did it because of her Dad. Back when everything happened the whole family was lied to, nobody knew about the 2 babies. Everyone thought the girls were sent to a Private Girls School. To bring up all of that now with the family would be hard. She had wanted to say yes to me, but needed some time to talk it over with my Grandparents. Come to find out that her Dad was a very influential person, and he thought I was just after the families money. Which I obviously had no way to know about. That upset me, that he would think I was just some money hungry little orphan.
But it got worse. He heard that I had called Julie, and he got my address in Iowa from her. Before I could even make arrangements to go and meet my Birth-Mother and siblings, he was on my doorstep. We lived in Clear Lake, Iowa, and they were living in Helena, Montana. Quite a long drive. He put the wife in the car, didn't tell her where they were going, and drove straight to my house. Julie called and told me they were coming, and I got very excited. She told me which day, and I figured they must just be so excited to meet their Granddaughter. I cleaned the house like crazy, and during Mikayla's nap time a baked up a huge dinner. I even had the spare bedroom all made up fresh for them to stay over night.
They pulled up to the house shortly after Jerry got home from work. I ran out the door and down the sidewalk to meet them. And suddenly I could see that there was something VERY wrong. "Grandma" would not get out of the car. "Grandpa" had to come around on her side and get her out. No hugs and kisses going on here. He had told her that they were going on a trip to check on one of his stores, and before she knew it they were at my doorstep. They came inside and sat down. She never said a word. I was still all smiles, but that was starting to fade. He looks me straight in the eye all business like and says,"So tell me. What are your intentions with this." He was very blunt and very unfeeling. He wanted to know why I did my search for his daughter, and if I was just some bastard after the families money. I was heartbroken. I cried, telling him of my life of wondering, searching, and loving somebody I had never met. I told him I was nothing like the person whom he was making me out to be. There was no way I could have known he had money, and even if I did know that, that was not the intent of my search. I wanted to have nothing to do with his money, I only wanted to meet my Mom, and I told him so.
After that he stood up and they left, just like that. Grandma had still not said a thing. Poor woman. Dinner was still warming in the oven, and my shocked Husband was still standing there in the dining room saying,"But, won't you stay and eat? Laura has made all of this food for you." I will never forget it.
And then they drove off.

Adoption Story: Part 6

After I found my Birth-Mothers name, I was kind of stuck. I wasn't sure where to search next. I called back to the Casper, Wyoming Chamber of Commerce. Believe it or not, the woman on the other end of the line remembered the Moldenhauer's, from way back in 1974. She told me that they had a ranch there and that they raised cattle. But they had moved out of town in 1975, and she could not remember the parents first names. She suggested I try searching the old newspapers in LaCrosse, for around the time I was born.
I found in the Juvenile Court Records that there was a Termination of Parental Rights on December 12, 1973 by an underage father. My Birth-Father had signed a Waiver Form. It said, Disclaimer and Waiver of rights by putative father and consent to adoption. But because he was only 16, they could not publish his name. Dead End.
Next I checked the Social Security Office. I did a search for Julie Moldenhauer. And there I found my answer. Julie Moldenhauer Born 10/8/58 in Texas, to Neil and Donna Moldenhauer. I had their name! Now what.
On a whim, I called telephone information. I asked if she had any numbers for a man named Neil Moldenhauer, she told me she had hundreds, but could only give me three at a time. I thought this would take forever, but decided to give it a go. The first number was for Missouri, and turned out to be a no. The second number was for South Dakota, for some P.O box, that one was a no also. The third number sounded like a possibility to me. It was a regular house address, in Helena, Montana, not to far from Wyoming! I was getting excited. I thought if they were still ranchers this might be a place where they would live. I called the number.
"Is this the home of Neil Moldenhauer?" The woman who answered the phone said yes. She said her name was Donna. Oh. My. Goodness. I was talking to my Grandma, and she didn't know it. I didn't want them to know about me until I had talked to Julie first, so I told a lie. I know that is wrong. But I didn't want her to hang up on me, and have another dead end. I told her I was a friend of Julie's from high school that was trying to get back in contact with her, might they have her current number? She believed me and gave it to me. I had my Birth-Mothers phone number! But still didn't feel good about lying. (I admitted it later to my Birth-Grandma)
I called the number but nobody was answering. I hoped it was the right number. I did a search in the area for any other Moldenhauers and found that Cherrie, Julie's sister was listed. I decided to see if she was home and wanted to talk with her about how Julie would feel if I called her.
Cherrie answered the phone right away. She was excited to hear it was me. She told me that Julie and her family went downtown for pizza, and they would be home soon. She lived on a ranch with 230 cattle, lots of horses, sheep, dogs and cats. She asked if I knew she was in the maternity home at the same time as Julie, I told her I did know that. She said she had always wanted to do a search for her son, and she was glad that I had found Julie. After a good, long, talk she told me to try Julie's number again. So I did,
And she answered.

Adoption Story: Part 5

If you read my last post you learned in the end that my birth-mother refused to allow any identifying information to be given to me in my file. This was a shocking blow to me, and made me have a lot more questions. And I was angry. If you know me well, you might know that I don't like being told what to do, and I don't like it when people tell me no. A little bit of a rebellious streak, I guess.
So, I called the Adoption Agency back and asked to speak with Cherrie, the woman who sent me my file, my caseworker. I explained how distraught I was, and she was very sympathetic. But then she told me a secret. She could lose her job over this, but she is retired now, so I will share. She quietly told me to look over my file closer, every page, read every page. There were quite a few, and I was confused, but I told her I would and hung up.
And then I started to see her gift to me. On one page she had blacked out the last name one letter at a time. So I could count how many letters were in the last name. On another page she had "accidentally" left the M for the first letter of the last name and crossed out the last 10 letters with a thick black line. So far I had learned that I had a last name that started with M and had eleven letters total. Further back in the file I found that she had crossed out the last name completely but accidentally left Julie's name in front of it, not crossed out. I had my mothers name! Almost her full name! On another page I found that they moved her to Wyoming after the birth. But the city was crossed out by single letters, so I could see that it had six letters. The word Casper just popped into my head, I had never been there, but I had heard of it. I was really on a roll now, and felt this was enough information for me to find her.
I was so excited and called the Social Worker back. She told me to never tell anybody about how she helped me or she would lose her job. She told me that she had never done this before, but while she was reviewing my file she had an overwhelming urge to help me. And we had never met. Later that day I sent her the hugest pink flower bouquet I could afford. Full of pink roses, tulips, day lily's, and anything else pink the florist could find. I sent it to my social worker anonymously so she wouldn't get in trouble. I received a phone call that night, it was her, calling to say thank-you. She told me that when she saw the delivery man bringing in the flowers through the office door, she knew they were for her, and she knew instantly who they were from.
On a whim, I called the Casper, Wyoming Chamber of Commerce. I asked how many high schools there were in Casper. She told me one. One. Natrona County High School. I called the school and talked to the secretary. Her name was Ann, she was excited to help! I asked if they had saved the yearbooks from 1974-1975. And sure enough she said yes, and went to get them. I asked her to help me find any last names during those years that started with a M and had eleven letters total. She skimmed through the pages for awhile, and then told me yes. Yes, there was only one. And it was Moldenhauer. I had found my last name! I asked who the last names belonged to and she told me Cherrie, Scott, Julie, and Todd. I had it. My mom's name was Julie Moldenhauer. I was ecstatic. It was also fun to find out that Julie was a Sophomore the year she started there, she had two brothers, one was in 8th grade and one was a Junior at the same high school.
Now the real search began.........

Adoption Story: Part 4

After Julie gave birth to me she was moved out to Casper, Wyoming to be with her family. She went back to living the normal life of a teenager and went back to High School. Two months later her 16 year old sister had her baby and also moved back out to be with the family, in a new city. In that day, none of this was acceptable, so none of the family was told.
I lived the next 18 years at home with my parents, and two adopted twin brothers. My Dad was one of the Ministers at our small Bible church, and my mom played the piano every Sunday. We were just a typical Wisconsin family, yet sometimes I still wondered where I came from. Especially when my parents would punish me or make me really mad. My child-like brain would over-react and tell myself that I bet my real parents would never treat me that way. Of course, that is not how I think now. I would get all emotional and play Orphan Annie tapes on my tape player in my room, usually singing the song "Maybe". And I can't forget to add the song, "Somewhere out there" that was another one of my dramatic song choices when I was upset. All of this was of course because I did not know the story yet. My small brain had made up all kinds of stories. Maybe somebody took me from them? Maybe they had too many kids? Maybe they can't find me?
I started dating my husband when I was fifteen. He followed me when I went off to college at Bethel and got an apartment there. After we married and moved to Iowa, I decided it was time to do the search for my birth parents. I was still very curious, and also was thinking of having children and wanted to know my birth families health history. I had gone my whole life with Doctors asking me all of these health questions that I just did not know the answers too. But of course, that was not the main reason, I was just plain sick of wondering and needed answers.
I called Lutheran Social Services and requested the packet with all of the adoption search forms. I filled them all out, paid the money due, and waited. Quite a few months later I received a packet in the mail. I was so excited! I started to look through it, and was finding out that all of the identifying information had been blacked out with a permanent black marker. All that was visible was some very limited health history. What was going on? I called the lady who signed off on my packet, her name was Cherrie, I will never forget that. I asked her why everything was blacked out on my adoption records. And she told me.......
Because, your Mom turned down the request, and without that you can not even do a search for your Dad.
Case closed.

Adoption Story: Part 3

With this post I am taking a little detour. Tone is a very hard thing to hear in the printed word, and I want to make a few things very clear before we go on. I have readers stop in who I do not know, and who don't know me, so I felt this clarification was necessary.

The first thing I want to make very clear is that I support adoption One Hundred percent. With out adoption I would have been possibly aborted, or lived a much different life than God blessed me with. God had a plan for my life, and he saved me for some reason. I was placed in the loving arms of a Christian family, and was raised in the best of circumstances. Had I not been adopted I would have lived a much harder life, and probably would not be the person I am learning to be today.

There is heartache, and hard parts to my story, but it has for the most part been a very positive experience. I have always wanted to adopt children, but circumstances have not allowed us to do so. If you are looking into adoption, I encourage you to go for it! There are so many children out there waiting for a forever family, don't live a life of regret! Adoption can heal the hearts of many. Don't let it be too late, for you....or your future child.

Although giving me away was a hard thing for my birth-mother to do, I feel that her father made the right choice for her. My life was ultimately in God's hands, and he knew where I needed to be. Having talked with my birth-mother and her daughter Amber recently, I have learned how devastating this choice was for them. I can completely understand their grief, but when we meet I am going to do my best to try to assure them that I had a great life, and things worked out best this way for all of us.

The other thing that I wanted to make clear was that having sex does not make you a Mom. I have had many people ask me if I am excited to meet my real Mom. On some level this is offensive, not only to me, but to my adoptive family. A Mom is somebody who loves you as her own, carries you in her heart, and raises you no differently than a biological child. My adoptive Mom will always be my "real" Mom, that will never change, and my birth-mother will always be just that, a birth mother. I do not say this to be harsh, I know she loved me very much and wanted to keep me, but in this lifetime I will not ever be able to call her Mom. It does not come naturally to me, and I have to fight myself to try and even say it. That may be different for other adoptees, but for us we have decided it is best to call her by her first name. My birth-father was very angry about this, and wanted me to call him Dad. But again, my lips just could not do it. I know also that it would crush my parents to hear me call my birth-parents something so personal.

Lastly, I just wanted to say that I am not looking for a new family. My Mom was hurt and concerned about the reasons for my search. For me, it is completely curiosity. This is something that I wish adoptive parents would take to heart. My Mom was worried that I felt they weren't good enough parents, and I had to assure her that could not be farther from the truth. I wish that adoptive families could be supportive of birth-family searches. It makes it so much harder for the adoptee to not have the support of their parents. I had to go against my parents wishes to do this search, but it was something I had to do. As a child I wondered who I looked like, I would look at adults in the mall and wonder if they were my parents. I needed to know the story, I needed to know why I was given away. It filled a hole in my heart, and answered alot of my questions. That is all it was for me, lots of questions. Now that most of them have been answered, my search is almost over. Where it will lead after this I do not know. But I do know this, I could not have spent my whole life wondering, and I am very glad I took the time to find the answers. If not only for me, but for my children also.

Adoption Story: Part 2

Julie stayed in the Maternity Home until I was born. She delivered me there alone, with no family or support, on December 26th. The day after Christmas. Obviously. What a Christmas present. She told me a couple months ago that they took me away from her immediately following the birth, and would not even let her see me. She was devastated and kept begging the nurses to at least let her hold me once. She finally found a nurse that said yes, and snuck me into her room. She said that was the best moment ever, being able to hold me in her arms, after carrying me in her womb for a full 40 weeks. She was only able to hold me briefly, and then they took me away again to the nursery for babies with no placement. That is the last she would see of me for 24 years. That is when I found her and was able to send her pictures of me by mail. One for every year of my life.
I have the original baby info. sheet from Lutheran Social Services. They gave it to my adoptive parents when they took me home from Foster Care. I was placed in Foster Care on December 27th, and stayed there until January 4, 1974. Nine Days. Nine, must have been awful, days. The Social worker had chosen my family for me, but because it was Christmas, they were gone to Illinois for the holiday's to see family. My adoptive parents had originally signed up to receive a girl as their first child, but one wasn't available at that time. When a set of twin boys came up for adoption the Social worker thought they would be the perfect family to raise them and gave them a call. Of course my parents said yes, they would take my brothers, but they informed Lutheran Social Services that they would still like to have a girl, if one ever became available. 3 years later I was born.
My Lutheran Social Services Foster Care form says this:
Girl: Born 12-26-xx
Birth Weight: 6lbs. 12oz.
Length at Birth: 20 inches
Time of Birth: 2:53 pm
City of Birth: La Crosse
Placed in Home: Jan. 4, 1974 for One Year post-placement period.
Birth mother named child: Tina
(I asked Julie about this, and she laughed, saying she can't stand that name now. But back in 1973 that was the "cool" name of the times, and that is who she knew me to be until I found her and told her my new name. She liked Laura much better.:)
Now to share the gut- wrenching part on the Foster Care form.
This is very hard for me to read, and type.
"Only feed her every FOUR hours, even though she is a newborn. She needs to learn to eat on a schedule. Even though she will be hungry, only feed her 3 1/2 ounces of Enfamil. She will learn to adjust. She likes to be warm so wrap her tightly. She will lay awake in her crib if you just leave her there. If you keep her awake, and don't rock her, from 8:00 to 9:30 P.M. and let her cry this whole time alone in her crib, she will sleep all night from 9:30 p.M. until 4:30 A.M."
"She is a good baby. Burp her carefully or she will spit up. She tries hard to see you when you talk to her."

End of Form.
End of Part 2.

My Adoption Story

Well, the story of my adoption is about to come full circle. In seven weeks I will be flying out to Seattle to meet my Birth Mother, 2 Sisters, 1 Brother, and quite a few nephews and nieces. I thought maybe I would try to post one part of the story each week, and then finish up with the end of my story when I get back in July. I am not sure if I can fit the whole history in only eight posts. But I will try. I think walking through this by blogging will help me better prepare for the trip.

In March of 1973, two teenagers were dating, much too young. Julie was only fourteen, and Steve was sixteen. Things went a little too far one night and I was conceived. Julie came from a very affluent family in Rhinelander, Wisconsin. Her father, Neil, was very concerned about his reputation. Upon finding out that his fourteen year old was pregnant, he packed up the whole family and moved them to Casper, Wyoming. On the drive there he took a detour through LaCrosse, Wisconsin and dropped off his distraught youngest daughter at a maternity home for girls. And just left her there, alone. He told all of the relatives that she had been sent to a wonderful, new school for girls, and it would be a great opportunity. Little did he know, or care, that he would change her entire life that day. She has told me that being left there, alone, with a whole bunch of strangers, was the scariest thing of her life. She had no support, no friends, and no family. Plus, she was pregnant. What does pregnancy look like to a fourteen year old? Julie must have been so scared, confused, and desperate. Strangely enough, I feel by God's hand, her sister Cherrie was checked into the same "girls school" only 2 months later. She was sixteen years old, and pregnant with what would turn out to be my first cousin, a son, born 2 months after me. The relatives did not find out about this either. What a great "girls' school it was. I am being sarcastic.
My Birth Father Steve found out where Julie was, and rushed to help her. His parents went along with him. He wanted to keep me, and so did his parents. They filled out every form, went to every court, and worked for months. But to no avail, in that day, a sixteen year old male had no rights to an unborn child. Nor did a fourteen year old girl. Julie wanted desperately to keep me. She pleaded with the nurses. But my life was in the hands of her father, the only one over the age of eighteen who could make that decision.

End of Part 1........

No Girls

My kindergartner Dylan is turning seven this month. I have planned a baseball party for him, and told him he could invite five boys from school to come home with him on the bus that day. Well now, drama has ensued. Dylan's best friend Jon will not come to the party unless a girl in the class named Autumn is invited. This Momma does not invite girls to my boys parties. Call me a prude, old fashioned, or out of touch....I really don't mind. I have been throwing birthday parties for 13 years and have never had children of the opposite sex come to my daughters parties either.
So now Dylan is pressuring me to let Autumn come to the party, with all of the other guests being boys. Big Daddy said, "I'll tell you what Dylan, you tell those boys that if they don't want to come because we are not inviting girls, then that is more than fine with you. You can just give their invitation to someone else." And he meant it. No girls at boys parties. Dylan even confided in me that the boys want her to come to the party because 2 of them have a crush on her. In kindergarten!

My First Homemade Award~

I made this Award for our fellow blogger Kristi who wrote an amazing post today, go check her out, read her often, and love her much:)